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All the Eggs in my Basket.




Eggs have been my must have everyday thing for most of my life. Sunny side eggs I can dip my toast into. I’ve gone days without eggs and survived but at the next opportunity, I definitely bought extra to compensate. How do I go without eggs when it's a must have staple in my world? Well, I go to the grocery store to do my shopping and I get to the egg section and I’m overwhelmed by all the options. Running through all possible options to determine the best possible one takes up a lot of bandwidth. Especially when you forget halfway through and have to start over again, meanwhile being painfully aware that you're standing in front of the egg section like a frozen capture on video. So I decide to just pick some up on the way home from one of my sussed out places who just sell eggs for however much and move on. But by the time I get home and am in ‘putting things away’ mode, I remember that I didn’t stop to get the eggs and now it's too late. My “out” time has passed and “in” time has already commenced. I’ve already stripped myself of my outside layers and have reapplied my comfy inside clothes, there is no going back out. It will be tacked onto the next day's “outside” time. And then I forget again. There are some things worth going back out for like toilet paper or cat food but basically there's a constant debate going on in my head and whomever makes the most sense in the moment wins.  I find what's been a good program to set myself up to succeed is to always buy eggs when you see them. But within reason because I’m one person. If I find myself with “too many eggs” then I just bake something.

I think being overwhelmed by too many options is a good point of self reflection because is it this exact thing that keeps me from being able to settle on just one thing that I want to do? I have a very hard time picking favorites because there are so many nuances and contributing factors like, what's my favorite color? Depends on the texture and shade and size and or experience of it in the moment and how am I to know if my favorite thing from before is still my favorite thing now. There seems to be a connection between my levels of impulsivity and rebellion. The moment I declare something I’m finding myself challenging that declaration shortly afterwards. I guess it’s part of my checking in with myself that I’ve been training myself to do. Finding out I am on the autism spectrum with adhd has definitely served as a bit of relief honestly. I’m able to be a little more compassionate with myself which can look like instead of thinking myself stupid for again doing a thing I didn’t intend on doing because I know better, I instead say, yep, you do that sometimes, and move on. It is amazing how much shame and flagellation we inflict upon ourselves within our own minds and developing the kind of love for self where you advocate for all your parts. I haven’t been able to quiet, stifle or destroy those parts of me who pipe up and speak from places of fear but I have created new parts that give love to those parts so they aren’t as loud. Also a few ultra loud cheerleaders in the back who are like, you got this, keep going, we love you, you’re worthy! I feel like it’s working. I’m still pushing through and busting through masks that hide who I really am but I feel this level of self advocating has raised the bar for me and moved me out of a place of mind where all things are happening to me and I have no control into a stronger, accountable and intentional chooser of my experience. I like this version better. 

One of my most difficult high functioning invisible disability traits is observing out loud. Observing out loud is literally seeing something and saying or describing what you are seeing as you are seeing it. This has been the number one thing that gets misunderstood about me. I have people thinking I’m being sarcastic, complaining, judging or implying something. It has never been any of those things. When I try to explain or correct these misunderstandings, then I’m called defensive or argumentative and I’m left feeling unseen and unheard and a bit dismissed really but mostly unseen. It makes being seen that much more daunting because its like, hey here I am served up on a platter for everyone to misunderstand and inadvertently invalidate me. it’s probably the most frustrating trait. Not too much the trait itself, I don’t see the harm in just saying what is when it is how it is. This is also why I actually have a hard time catching sarcasm, especially if I don’t know you very well. Oh ya, also I’ve been called a “know it all” because I attempted to correct the miscommunication. My default is to just say it as it is. Why would anyone say things that weren’t true? I appreciate sincerity. I think that is why truth is such an important factor typically with people on the autism spectrum because it's a baseline. It’s the ground from which we stand because without a ground, we would just be spinning in the great abyss. This is why rules are so very important. Without rules, without parameters, how will we be able to function, especially with other people? Also, when you know and understand the rules, it’s easier to find loopholes and to determine the ones that can be bent from the ones that can be broken.

I think there are quite a few undiagnosed women out there who have adhd. When we were growing up, there was not a lot of information about it available and even for boys, it was limited to a squirmy boy meant he had adhd and therefore needed to be medicated. 

I’ve been carrying around a prescription for adhd medication for months and I’m still uncertain whether or not i will try. What will happen to all my systems and process and parts that I have spent 46 years refining and training to serve me? And equally, what if all this time, all I needed was medication? I don’t want to be reliant on anything I need to function on a daily basis. Except eggs of course.

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