Okay, so I've been holding onto a fantasy of having a few people over to celebrate and share food on the Winter Solstice. Something I've fantasized doing for a couple years but this year I was more a go than before so I ventured out to tell a couple close friends. After so many years always accommodating others and being in their spaces, I was finally going to host in my OWN space! Have you noticed that I keep saying "was"? That's because I allowed doubt and anxiety to come into the fantasy and I am currently flip flopping on the whole idea.
My space is small and packed. I have a bunch of comfy chairs - 4 actually, plus stools and the such so I'm thinking I could technically accommodate 8 people comfortably - if everyone were to sit. Okay so that's covered. The next thing to think about is what everyone is going to do. And it is here that I think anxiety comes into play because its one of those variables that the hostess has zero control over. Okay maybe not zero control - games, food, party favors, etc. but there is no way of knowing how people will interact with each other or if they will actually show up and don't even get me started with other peoples anxieties and how everyone's will interact with each others. So I picture a couple surfaces with yummy treats and drinks, some light mingling, seat hopping and then we get to that point where everyone is just kind of being and I never actually realized how tricky it is to host. I guess there are several types of hosts. 1, the kind who has every detail of the event time stamped. I don't think I'm that kind of host. 2, the kind who simply facilitates, provides the environment for the gathering, has options for activities but is a mistress (or master) of allowing... hmmm, this sounds more of an ideal hostess for me to emulate. Okay, I'm not sure where I was going with the whole, "there are several types of hosts", but I think it was mainly a tool to get me to think about what type of hostess I want to be. The least stressed out one! Then there's the alcohol versus no alcohol party. Having some available or not, smoking versus non-smoking and how the non-drinkers will interact with the drinkers and how the non-smokers will interact with the smokers. Also, my out door situation for smokers is... intimate, and the doors opening and closing.... yep see, I am having loss of control anxiety. Well, more like the idea of a loss of control because this is all a hypothetical situation in my head so far and I'm already trying to convince myself that its all going to be too stressful so forget it. Hmm. Tricky little mind beast trying to keep me from my fantasy. I think the people who get things done are definitely the people who push through all the heady stuff and hold fast to the old adage of, "if you build it, they will come." Hosting is actually a bit of a vulnerability and my space is so much like my womb. I can't have just any one running ramshackle through it, though I am in charge of who I invite so.....yeaaa. Will it happen? I think at the very least, I could use the idea of it happening as motivation to prepare my space for it. Fake it until I make it - light bulb!