Today I was moved to express my gratitude and appreciation to an individual who has helped me and offered support in areas that I've always been kind of on my own in. As soon as my words started to lean into the expression, I instantly became overwhelmed with emotion, choking out my words as tears streamed down my face.
Because of the work I've been doing in the areas of vulnerability, I know that this form of confession comes from a very vulnerable place and I literally have to push myself through generations of blockages around vulnerability. Basically, if tears appear while I'm speaking, I've tapped into a level of myself that is my truth and from my core - a very tender, oft times very guarded center. As far as I can tell, it is Ego who guards this place.
The thing I've learned about Ego is that it's kind of like a Manager who can get so caught up in running the show that it overcompensates and forgets that it works for you. Ego is also the reason why people can turn into tyrants when they are not taking responsibility for their own company and inadvertently relinquishes all contro. I guess it's not even Egos fault, it's just doing the best it can without any input from the CEO. Part of the work involved in reclaiming ownership is many meetings with Ego to redefine its role in the company as well as lots of monitoring and supervising to ensure it doesn't slip back into its overcompensating ways when not held in check - I digress.
I used to think and was led to believe that to show vulnerability is to show weakness or to be weak but as I confront these old beliefs, I am finding more and more how difficult it actually is to speak from a place of vulnerability and the amount of personal strength it takes. Yes, the place is shaky at best and can be difficult to see from because of all the tears but my newly forming beliefs suggest that the more I allow myself to speak from that place, the stronger I will become.
It's too soon to tell if I will ever be able to speak from that place without the tears and the barely audible words but if I base things on my heart instead of my mind and keep pushing through the emotion, those tears become an indicator that I've arrived at that soft mushy center where my truth and heart live and I know my voice will soon gain the strength to be the rightful ruler of Self with Ego reigned in at my side, under my command.